What lies behind a smile. 

Every year when my birthday is arriving, I'll get this hurricane meets paranoid feeling, constant worrying about nothing, moreover it's my 21st birthday this year. Seriously I'm not awaiting that day to arrive,
not at all. I always thought that having big parties is something v cool or rather fun for my friends/family.

I don't know ..

Until I attended several birthday parties this year. 

You'll have your family, relatives, a clique of primary, secondary, poly friends, and close friends, so after everyone joined in the choir of the birthday song, what's left for them is "errr okay I shall just stick around and wait for my turn to take pictures w the birthday girl, meanwhile I shall just pretend as if I'm enjoying the party and look cool".
The awkwardness in the party ..

But still, it's when everyone who are close to you attending the party, taking their time to spend the day w you and sending you their best wishes. 

It shows something .. 

I don't need any BIG parties, I don't need tons of present .. 

just a small ones where I can spend time w all of my love ones, that's enough for me. 

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Hey, I don't know what's your motive in doing this. Everything you said, the things that you assume in your own way to have a conclusion on your own. If you wanna continue doing this, go ahead ..

People can see what's your motive, simply all the texts that you'd send .. it's enough to show. 

Everything I do/say, I think of you first. I can't believe what I'd saw. 

It takes years to build this friendship w you, and it takes seconds to lose it 

The best part was, you just destroyed this friendship yourself and I don't understand why. 

Take good care of yourself. Still love you most.

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You don't have to 'try' to truly love someone.
Struggling. mind and heart.
If, if you understand how I feel ..